imperfect people

I am the kind of person who obsesses over things that are going to happen. I can sometimes lie awake at night and go over and over in my mind details of things yet to happen and things way in the past. My life didn’t turn out how I planned it out in college. That’s not to say I regret the way it turned out, it’s just different. I have had disappointments and frustrations and triumph and tragedy. I have met and become friends with some really great people over the years. I have lost track of most of them, alas.

I wonder about the friends I have not found and what they are doing now. I wonder how my life and theirs would be different if only we had stayed in touch. I wonder how much my life would be different if I had written more earlier. Well, this line of thought is getting depressing pretty quick and that is not what I wanted to write about anyway.

My life isn’t what I wanted it to be because my plans were pipe dreams and will-o-the-wisps. I wanted power and recognition and well you get where I’m going with that. What I did get, which is lots better, is to get to know a few people very well. I thought that the “church” people I knew would teach me about love and acceptance and having a big view of the world. It was the people I knew apart from the church that have affected me the most. I have learned that love comes in all colors and shapes and expressions. I have learned that those of us who are imperfect are more readily accepting of others who are imperfect. The story Jesus tells of the two men in Temple, one who is “righteous” and one a “sinner” is my story. I was the Pharisee who knew it all and was sure of my belief system. Now I feel the “sinner” is more of a kindred spirit. I know that I am not perfect. I am not even close. I still have my prejudices and biases, but I think I have become more accepting of people who are different than me.

I have learned that the Universe is bigger because I am ready to accept that I cannot fathom it. The Divine is far more accepting and ecumenical than I thought she would be because I am willing to allow her to be. I don’t know why we were born into the situations we were but I do know that you cannot sum up everything with a “god is in control” type of mentality. Why give me a mind to think with and a free will with which to make my own decisions if it was my destiny to let someone else lead me around, knowing that I would never toe the lie. My friends here where I live are all mostly non-line toe-ers. We don’t all have the same beliefs, but we all love each other enough to allow our differences to nudge us to live more out loud. We overlook each other’s faults (well we would if either of us had any) because it’s our “faults” that make us interesting.

I would like to hear from you. Let me know if anything I say moves you or makes you mad or causes you to wonder about my sanity (if I had any). Please tell others about my blog if you enjoy it, I enjoy making someone smile or have to stop and think about something crazy I wrote.